Baptism By Vomit

Motherhood is not always a pretty state. Yesterday, munchkin spit up while I was holding her, and it went right into my mouth. Half-digested curds of my breast milk tasted much like I thought they would.

I am a first-time mother. I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time. I feel disgusting about 80% of my day, and I'm struggling with some mild post-partum depression. Right now, I'm watching Munchkin sleep on the baby monitor and feeling very happy at the state of things. At 11am this morning, I was crying at her crying at me.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was so excited. Some of my friends had babies, and I had baby sat when I was a teenager. This would just be the next big thing in my life. I had no idea just how hard it would be.

Newborns are supposed to sleep away 90% of their day. Munchkin barely slept as soon as we took her home from the hospital. I still remember that first 48-hour period before we were discharged. She was quiet, calm, adorable. I kept just staring at her. She was perfect. I loved her. I felt good.

"How babies are in the hospital is a good indicator of how their mood will be once you leave," a nurse told me. She was wrong. So, so wrong.

Munchkin has had colic. I have had mood swings. My husband has had extra projects at work and extended hours. Things were chaos (and still are). As I got a handle on my moods, and got the swing of soothing munchkin, life has gotten sweeter. In the past few weeks I keep repeating the same thing over and over again. "I had no idea it would be like this." I didn't. I mean, I knew, logically, what it would be like. But I didn't really know, emotionally, physically, mentally.

There are no amount of classes you can take, books you can read, research you can do, to adequately prepare for this. I don't think it even matters if it's your first of fourth kid. Every child is different, even from the first days after birth. Every baby has different needs, a different personality. I knew when Munchkin tore her own hair out after her first real bath (real story) that she was going to be a dramatic and intense little girl. That wasn't in any baby books. I didn't see that sort of behavior in any documentaries. I wasn't prepared, but I handled it. I scooped her up in my arms when her little fingers wouldn't release their grasp. I held her and sang until her hand relaxed. I kissed her little chubby cheeks until she blinked and calmed. I coped with her screaming, her fussiness, her intensity.

I think that's what motherhood is about. I watch her, I learn, and I react. Motherhood (and parenthood in general) is a learn-as-you-go phenomena. It's baptism by vomit.

Speaking as a White, Straight Girl...

Speaking as a white, straight girl, who has authority over your story?

There's been some big minds doing some great thinking on the subject for a while now. As a write of no color, there is often a question of whether or not it is appropriate to tell the story belonging to a person (or character) of color. When I think way back to the time of the Imperialism, and the treatment of "native peoples" by white imperialists, as well as the "documentation of natives" by white explorers, I start to cringe. That being said, there is a big difference between that sort of writing and a well-written novel or short story with a POC protagonist. But still, does a white person have authority over a narrative of that nature? Can a white person adequately and honestly portray a person of color? I think this is an important question, that I don't necessarily have the answer to.

The same sort of questioning could be applied to straight writers writing about characters with differing sexual orientations.

It isn't just a question of being respectful of the subject matter. It's more of a question of how do you write the character authentically?

Granted, these questions rarely get raised if a female author is writing from a male POV, or a male author is writing from a female POV. I wonder, do the author's intentions matter here, or should authors always avoid writing characters of different backgrounds to avoid in-authenticity? What are your thoughts?

Crooked

Crooked is my freshman novel. (Yup, I'm anticipated that one day I'll write a "sophomore novel.") It's the story of a drag queen named Freddie (a.k.a. Pistil Whipped) who escapes Boston with an ex-lover to save his own life, leaving behind his romantic partner, his drag mother, and his life on the stage.

Freddie is a true misfit. Between his profession, his sexuality, and his inability to commit, he finds himself alienated from those around him. He's crooked, in a straight world. As a way to further explore his crooked nature, I've decided to start a regular feature on my blog. It will be true to the nature of Freddie, and focus on something I'm very passionate about, LGBT rights.

Enjoy!

A Thesis & a Baby

This has been a pretty busy year for me so far. I had a baby in January, my husband and I are buying a house, and I just turned in my final copy of my thesis for my MFA. Since I've accomplished so much in just these past four months, I'm inclined to give myself a nice little pat on the back. Instead, I'm spending my evenings trying to figure out what's next (while packing, bedding down the munchkin, and trying to keep some order in the house).

I could continue on with school. I have, in fact, put in an application to Drexel University for an MS in Library Sciences. I'm very keen on continuing my education, both from a practical viewpoint (this degree could easily qualify me for a whole slew of other jobs, as well as defer my student loan payments and put me on a track for a pretty neat career), and from a philosophical viewpoint (I love learning new things). That being said, I'm not sure it's a good idea right now. Motherhood has sort of warped my world-view, and not necessarily in a bad way. I'm thinking about munchkin now, too, and how I want to spend time with her. School might inhibit my ability to focus on all of the milestones ahead, and before I make a commitment to another degree, I want to make sure it's the right thing for me (and for us).

I'm also trying my hand at adjuncting. I've put out a few applications, and I know I'd really love to teach again. I haven't taught on a professional level yet, just a few seminars and workshops, but I'd love a regular gig where I get to engage others on the topics of literature and language.

And of course, there's trying to get published. My novel is still a ways away from being shopable for agents. I'm waiting for the final word from my readers that I've passed, but I know I'll get some great feedback that I'll likely want to incorporate into another draft. Heck, I may even want to shelf it for a few months and give myself some distance. I'm at the point now where every time I read it I feel like I'm going blind. I have started submitting to smaller publications and more online venues as well. I just got the word that an essay I penned will be published on Scary Mommy later this month. I'm writing shorter pieces, essays and fiction, and I'm hoping to get my stuff out there.

I still have a ton going on, but with school winding down, and this new chapter of my life beginning, I can't help but feel a little scared by my lack of commitments. It's been a while since I didn't have a looming deadline, and I'm not sure if I can get used to the feeling.