How to Make a Pregnant Lady Feel Like Shit

I am thirteen weeks pregnant and finally feeling like something other than a zombie. I was showing off my “bump” at work. I felt happy and proud, like I finally was at a good place with this pregnancy, a place that I could enjoy. But as soon as that happy feeling came, it was washed away by the words of a friend when she said, “You really shouldn’t be showing until five months.”   She smiled. It was a chide, a little joke. Haha, you’re too big. I know she thought it was a light-hearted comment, something funny. But I didn’t. The truth is, I found it incredibly hurtful.

I’ve struggled with trying to have a healthy self-image since adolescence. My weight has yo-yoed since I was sixteen and I’ve been on both sides of the “healthy weight” line. Before I got pregnant, I was the heaviest I had ever been in my life. I felt disgusted with myself, defeated and ugly.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was incredibly happy, but also anxious. The nausea, vomiting and weight loss that accompanied my first two months didn’t help. I couldn’t stomach fruits or vegetables. Peanut butter and toast were my staple foods.  In fact, losing weight made me feel like I was already failing at being a mother, like I wasn’t able to do the most basic thing for my unborn baby—give it the nutrients it needs. Plus, the weight loss made me once again feel like I had no control over my own body.

My weight has stabilized. Although I haven’t gained any, I’ve stopped losing. According to my doctors, I’m healthy and according to my wardrobe, I’ve gone up two pants sizes from my pre-pregnancy size. I feel much better, but I’m still anxious about my body and my pregnancy.

While shopping for maternity clothes this past weekend, Husband worked really hard to make me feel comfortable with my changing body. He encouraged me to get outfits that accentuated my growing tummy and show off my “bump.” The trip was a success, and I left the store feeling much less overwhelmed and much more beautiful.

But then, today, my friend said those words.  “You really shouldn’t be showing until five months.”  All those good feeling immediately came undone.

Not only did what she say bring back my insecurities about my body, and my pregnancy, but it is also completely inaccurate. Most women begin showing between 12-20 weeks for their first pregnancy, and every pregnancy is different (even pregnancies in the same woman). Some women begin showing as early as 8 weeks. Some women don’t show until they are 7 months. The strength of a woman’s abdominal muscles, how many kids she’s had before, and the tilt of a woman’s uterus, can affect how early a woman begins to show.

As this person is both woman and a feminist, it surprised me that she thought it would be okay to say what my body should be looking like. At the moment, I was stunned into silence. A nervous laugh is all that escaped my lips, along with the line, “Well, I was pudgy to begin with…”

I shouldn't feel this way. I know I have power over how I feel, and how other people’s words impact me. But at the same time, do I really have to put up with this? Seeing headlines in the wake of the birth of the royal baby have been bad enough—speculations on how quickly Kate will lose the baby weight, or the comparisons drawn between Kim Kardashian and Kate’s bodies during pregnancy.

My body is my own. I’m already under the care of a doctor (a person who is actually qualified to make judgments on my changing body during my pregnancy). I already have to put up with the media and society fueling my insecurities and anxieties, strangers making assumptions about my pregnancy and my person based solely on my body. Do I really have to put up with this from people I know too?