Milestones & Self Worth

This is something I swore I'd never do: use my baby's milestones as a measure of my own self-worth.
It's ridiculous, and I see parents do it all the time. "Little Johnny is already sleeping through the night!" often comes across as "I'm better at this whole parenting thing than you are." It's a hard line to toe, but it's an important one to keep in mind. I have to keep myself in check all the time.

This becomes extra difficult when, as parents, we internalize our children's failures as well as their successes. If munchkin stops sleeping well, I think about what I did to mess it up. If she develops slowly in one area, how am I failing her in that area? Those can make the successes all that much more important.

Don't brag

It's important to share happy milestones, but I have to make sure that we are sharing them with purpose. I catch myself talking about Munchkin's stellar sleeping or impressive tummy time without anyone else bringing those subjects up. For parents with kids that are struggling in those areas, it can be a painful reminder, so I try to keep conversations focused. I spend time to listen, and if and when I offer advice to a parent who seems stressed out, I try to not say, "You should do this," but rather, "This is what worked for us, but every kid is different." 

Keep it in perspective

Every kid is different, and every parent is different. Some children develop really fast at earlier stages, others at later stages. Everyone reaches milestones at different rates. The important thing is that kids are moving in the right direction. Sometimes, saying things like, "Munchkin is so easy now, I'm sure she'll be a handful in her toddler years," can diffuse the conversation from "look at how awesome my kid is," to, "let me share something exciting, and talk about my concerns for the future."  

Be Honest

Parenting is never easy. Sometimes, it's easier than other times, but it's always on a spectrum ranging from "the most difficult thing ever" to "Tough, but rewarding." I try to not let the happy moments dominate my conversation, just as, speaking about my career or hobbies or interests, I wouldn't let the negative moments dominate. I try to strike a balance between the positive and negative. Friends respond better, and it's a healthier way to evaluate my day. 

I have to remember that munchkin's failures and successes aren't all on me. As strange as it is, this little 5-month old is becoming her own person, with her own personality. It's my job to guide her, director, focus her, but she's the one behind that baby-sized wheel. 

How to Write About A Trans Person...

I feel like, as a simple blogger, I shouldn't really have to tell the "real" writers, reporters, and media personalities how to do their jobs. But I guess I do, at least when it comes to trans men and women.

First and foremost, here it is: http://www.glaad.org/reference/transgender

Learn it.

What has spurred me to share this with the world (which honestly, you can use a search engine, can't you?)? A lot of trans individuals have been in the news lately. Lavern Cox was on the cover of Time magazine. Orange is the New Black's second season was released on Netflix. JLo's boyfriend cheated on her with a trans woman. R.Kelly's child came out as transgendered.

1. Lavern Cox

Lavern Cox was listed as one of Time's 100 most influential people, and even got her own cover story. She an actress and activist, and she's been very outspoken about issues facing trans people since her increase in popularity as a result of her role on Orange is the New Black. In short, I love her. She's fabulous, gracious and beautiful. That, however, doesn't stop people from saying/writing idiotic things.

Rush Limbaugh took it upon himself to use probably one of the most volatile words you could to describe transgendered people. Luckily, there was a smart woman listening in, ready to turn Limbaugh's venom into a teachable moment.

2. JLo's boyfriend

It's all over the tabloids. JLo's boyfriend cheated on her. But that isn't the "real" story, is it? No, the real story is that he cheated on her with a trans woman. Oh the confusion! How will media outlets refer to this other woman? Or should it be other man?! No. She's not a man. And she's not transsexual. Those aren't even the same things. 

Not only are the tabloids getting this all wrong, but so are media personalities like Jenny McCarthy. Granted, I know McCarthy isn't exactly a paradigm of educated discourse, but could you please please just think for a second? 

3. R.Kelly's Child

First of all, R.Kelly's child, formerly known as Jaya, has come out as a transgendered boy. This means that she was born with the anatomy of a girl, but identifies as a boy. It's icky that media outlets are reporting on children of celebrities at all, but if you're going to do it, at least do it appropriately. The blow quote is from http://naturallymoi.com.

Now, Jaya has reportedly decided that she just wants to be known as Jay.  The child also doesn’t want to be pretty anymore, she would prefer to be handsome.   She is part of the latest trend in the “Transguy” culture, where young people are choosing to claim whatever gender they identify with the most.

Um, I'm pretty sure that "Transguy" culture is not a thing. Being transgendered is not a youth trend, and while some people do choose what gender they identify with, others are transgender from birth, and not through any sort of choosing. Also, is it really that hard to use the appropriate pronoun? Jay is a boy. Identify him as such, even if he was born with female anatomy, you use the male pronoun here.
Then, there's this little gem:

The only reference we could find on what it means to be a trans guy is wikipedia, which gives this definition -”A trans man (also trans-man or transman) is a female-to-male (FtM) transgender or transsexual person. A trans man is assigned female at birth, but identifies as male.”

Really? Do you not have google? Did you not type into any search engine, "how to write about trans people." Because the third option down it the GLAAD link I posted at the top of this. If that was the only information you could find, it is because you're lazy, not because that's the only information out there.

What's the Big Deal?

I know some people will say, hey, this is relatively new, what't the big deal? People are bound to get things wrong at first. Don't be the "PC Police." I'm calling bullshit on this. 

Do you own a computer or have access to one?

Have you ever used a search engine?

Do you know how to type questions?

If you answered yes to these questions, than you can find out how to act like a respectful adult when it comes to transgendered issues. If you still failed to act/write appropriately, than it is a direct result of your lack of interest in being respectful. It is a sign of laziness, ignorance, and most damning, unwillingness to learn. 

Film Watch: Obvious Child, the Abortion Rom Com

Yes, Obvious Child is the love store of two young people who find each other, have sex with each other, and find each other again after Slate's character, Donna, discovers that she's pregnant and decides to get an abortion. And yes, I can't wait to see it.

I know that abortion is a hot topic. Everyone has an opinion on whether or not it should be legal and socially/morally acceptable. I believe that abortions should be safe and legally attainable. I wont get into the nitty-gritty of my beliefs here beyond that (if you want to ask, feel free to leave a comment).

Regardless of your political stance on the subject, I think we can (or should) all agree that honesty is the best policy, and the main reason why I'm so excited to see Obvious Child is that it is a REALISTIC depiction of a woman in Donna's situation.

We all know that films and television are paradigms of realism, but the lies that are perpetrated by fiction seem to reinforce the false choices that women in Donna's situation face. The film was informed by real-life statistics and Planned Parenthood advised on the script.

Films that portray women who are faced with an unexpected pregnancy putting the baby up for adoption. According to Advancing New Standards in Reproductive Health, 9% of fictional characters place their baby up for adoption, where only 1% of real women do the same. Films also portray abortion clinics as unclean, unsafe, and terrifying places (a reality that will only come to fruition if abortion is made illegal and procedures become unregulated), and abortions as incredibly painful experiences. Real life does not work in absolutes. On average, abortions take about 20 minutes, and the pain that follows is a dull ache, similar to menstrual cramps.

Other fallacies that this film tackles? That abortions are expensive, dangerous procedures that you will immediately regret. Abortions are, statistically speaking, safer than having a baby when it comes to the woman's health. Abortions are not cost-prohibitive, not dangerous, and the only decisions you'll regret are ones you haven't thought through.

Regardless of what side of this debate you are on, what we need is more honest information and facts, and it looks like Obvious Child will deliver on that front, along with wit, charm, and romance.