1. No one cares about your baby’s poop. This seems like pretty standard knowledge, but when you’re a new parent, and in the “fray,” your poop stories can feel like war stories. You might feel compelled to share, but (much like war stories) unless they’ve lived through it, your friends won’t really appreciate the attention to detail when discussing Little Suzy’s Jackson-Pollock-like diaper art.
2.
No one
understands bedtime. “But seriously, can’t you just come out for the
night?” No, I can’t, because it will destroy the very carefully constructed bedtime
ritual and undo all of the hours of work and dedication I have put into just
making this kid sleep. Seriously,
this must have been what the Mayans felt like anytime someone messed up a rain
dance and then they had months of drought.
3.
Nothing
is normal anymore. You are generally not the same person after procreation.
On the very basic level, you change from having free time, freedom of choice,
and ample time to sleep. Those three factors alone will shift the chemical
make-up of your brain. Throw in hours of baby-talk, lack of adult interaction,
and becoming okay with getting pooped and vomited on, and you’re a whole-new
you.
4.
Everything
is normal. “Does Little Johnny always cry like that?” Yes, yes he does.
Why, you ask? Oh, because it’s his nap time. Things like constant noise,
screaming, babbling, getting pooped and peed on, and no longer owning a shirt
without spit-up stains all become normal. To your friends, your house may feel
like a warzone, but to you, it’s all part of a normal day.
5.
Babies
don’t sleep all the time. “But wait, I thought babies slept all the time.” HA! No. Whoever came up with the term
“sleeping like a baby” needs to be punched in the face. Babies do not sleep all
the time. In fact, it is hours and hours of hard work, after carefully timed
and planned activities, just to get your baby in the mood to sleep. Babies have
to learn to fall asleep, just like they have to (eventually) learn to crawl,
walk, eat solid foods, talk, etc.
6.
No one
can really watch your baby and give you that break. Okay, so there are
likely some people that can watch your baby and give you a little break from
time to time, but any of your friends that offer that don’t have experience
watching small children should never be taken-up on their offer. Why? Because babies
are hard. Even grandparents, who raised their own children, will often become
overwhelmed, exhausted and frustrated with just an hour of baby-watching.
Everyone forgets how tough babies are. That’s why people have more than one
kid.
7.
You’re doing it wrong. Everyone has
advice for you, even your childless friends. Just keep smiling as they tell you
the best ways to put the little one down for a nap, or how they just read about
how you should really be doing <insert latest parent trend here>.
8. You take way too many baby photos. Everything
is cute, precious, amazing, spectacular and funny when it comes to your baby.
Half of your friends will love all your pictures, and the other half will think
you’ve disappeared into a baby-photo wormhole. C'est la vie.
9. Not everyone wants kids. And that is
a-okay. Better that people know that before
having children. Not everyone wants to be around kids, either. Kids can stress
people out, cause anxiety, be loud, dominating, and distracting.
10. You will make your friends uncomfortable. You’ll probably be wearing more sweatpants,
shower less, have frazzled hair, and your brain will be scrambled. That isn’t
even taking into account people who’ve never seen a woman breastfeed (if you
decide to go that route). You will make your friends uncomfortable, even if you
aren’t uncomfortable. It’s okay. Your life has changed. It will take some time
to adjust, and hopefully they’re up for the task.
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